I turn 55 years old this year. In general I don’t worry too much about it
other than noticing little things like my need to stand just a little more
sideways as I hold my ain’t-I-so-handsome pose for the bedroom mirror. And maybe
I have to pull my stomach in just a little more (or maybe a lot more). So being
a man of action, I decided to take action: It was time
to get trim.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the
take-action kind of man who will do crazy things like dieting and exercise – no,
no, no, too much work! My first plan was exquisitely simple based on my
observation that every morning when I wake up I weigh two pounds less than when
I went to bed. The math was simple. To lose twenty pounds all I had to do
was stay in bed for ten days. My announcement of this plan to my wife was met
with rolled eyes – and the obvious need for a new plan.
Then I found the gem,
a magazine article about how stress and worrying consumes calories. No suffering
bed sores and daytime television for that diet! But the article didn’t say how
much worrying equated to how many calories. This was tough; a plan with no
predictions. This called for research.
First in the process was to find all
kinds of general worries, pressure, tension, anxiety, angst and just general
calorie-consuming mental anguish. First list: job pressures, children pressures,
money troubles. Nah, too vague.
The second list was more specific: Car
wrecks, bird flu, food poisoning, being struck by lightening. Closer, but still
not there.
Then came the third list with only one item: IRS. Bingo.
So
how would that work? Well, first with pencil in hand we would need to draw a
little table for our research (researchers love tables and charts). Now to fill
in the table. First entry: Not filing my tax return by April 16th gets me 3
pounds weight loss. Not filing by May 1st, I lose 1 an extra pound per week plus
a 3 pound bonus. Wow, 8 pounds already! Reaching June 1st is worth 4 more weekly
pounds plus another 5 pounds bonus thrown in. And no fair filing an extension,
give back 10 pounds if you do. Now we’re on a roll!
So then I would be up to
the fourth entry in the table and can already picture myself on the stage with
Oprah as the television audience taps furiously at calculators planning their
new more-beautiful selves. Fifth entry: Not filing by July 1st is worth 4 more
weekly pounds plus an extra 5-pound bonus. Then when the little white envelope
with the IRS return address shows up in the mail you lose 2 pounds instantly.
Not opening the envelope for a week will definitely earn you another 5 pound
bonus at least. And no filing extensions! What’s the point of dieting if you
cheat?
So there you have it, the IRS trim-quick diet. Add a little
creative worrying about being hit by a meteor you are well on your way to a
truly newer, trimmer you.
Tax deadline hasn’t come yet, so I’ve yet to test
my theory. But I stepped on the scale this morning and found four less pounds on
the dial, so just worrying about worrying has already produced results. See? So
simple! And I discovered another bonus: Worrying about my new ulcer is bound to
keep the weight off permanently!

About the Author:

Chris Lamela is a banking consultant specializing in developing banking
services for under served consumers, but with a severe penchant for humor
writing.

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